I went to a meeting at work on friday, and I ended up with even more work and responsibility. I was hoping to rid myself of some responsibility, mainly for the museum's café as that's not my area, but since the manager of the café has been away for over a year and don't seem to bother with it anymore I started doing all the orders and trying to keep things together. The café is a disaster area. It looks awful, the food quality is not even worth mentioning, the costumers are few, and we are short on staff. At the meeting I said we need to hire someone who will be in charge, and my boss agrees and will take it to the director. We already have one lady working there some days a week, and we would love to keep her, and hire another person to fill in the rest. I was by this hoping to rid myself of the responsiblities I have for the café, but my boss said she's so pleased with my work that she would love it if I would take over and manage the café from now on, or at least until the other manager comes back (which we don't see happening at all). I won't be working in the café, I will just manage the place and boss people around hee hee. I was also asked to sit in the café commiteé, not only for this museum, but for many of the museums in my town. However, my focus will mainly be for the one I manage. I hope by this I can re-vamp the café and put my ideas into life. There is so much that needs to be done, routines that must be changed, and not to mention the food quality, and marketing. So ... All of the sudden I'm in the commiteé, and I'm the manager of a café ... I didn't see that one coming ...

In addition to this I now manage the museum's reception as well now that my co-worker is away for a year. And in a few weeks I start working at another museum as well, thou' it's only four hours a week. Plenty enough to do from now on I suppose ...

My boss told me some things that surprised me. Apparantly she's been asking around about me, and everyone has told her that they are very pleased with me and the work I do. They had so much positive to say I was overwhelmed ! It feels good knowing you are appreciated. She also said that she would love to give me more work, a higher position, but currently there's nothing, but maybe one day ... ? She mentioned how things have changed since I started working there 2 1/2 years ago. I started as an extra once in a while during the summer. I've come far since then. And that's not all that has changed since I started working ...

... I tranformed completely ... From living with my father, being unemployed and broke, depressed, single for five years, and overweight - I got a permanent job which I absolutely love, I got a really nice appartement, I'm engaged to be married, I feel secure and good about myself, and I lost 80 pounds ... Everyone I know commented on all this, and they are as surprised as I am ...

I came from nothing - and I had a shit life ... And to everyone who made me feel worthless and depressed; Look at me now ... Just look at me now ... I can finally in all honesty say that I am happy and content with my life.

I'm glad the weekend is approaching. Not that I dislike my job, but the responsibility is just overwhelming at times. I now work 60%, and step in when needed during the various arrangements we have at the museum. And currently there are quite a lot of them. It will look quite good on my next paycheck hee hee, but gosh I'm tired. I have to deal with the staff, orders, plan the arrangements, and basically holding half the museum together. I like the responsibility, I like being a bit bossy and in control hee hee ...

I forgot to mention last time that while my fiance was away, my ex (the one I wrote about earlier) came to town. We texted eachother on msn, and we thought about meeting to have a chat. Apparantly I'm not the only one dealing with issues from the past. He mentioned something that's been bothering him too, and we thought it might be a good idea to have a closure, and be able to move on. The problems I have with my fiance is due to experiences I had with my ex, so I really did need closure. We never met though. He wanted me to come to his parents house, I wanted to meet in a public place, and have my fiance with me nearby. Turned out he didn't want to meet after all. As soon as my fiance came back home, my ex didn't seem interested in talking at all. Not even om msn. Hmm ... Well, like I told my fiance - Just knowing he's got issues too and haven't done so well the past years is all the closure I need ! hah ! ... I'm such a mean person ...

Another thing that happened when my fiance was away, was that I got a phone call and a voice mail from an old friend I haven't seen or heard from in oh I don't know - 8 years ? I'm surprised he even remembers me ... He was drunk most of the time. I didn't even think he was alive now all things considered ... This guy is a long story I'm dying to tell one day ... But for now the story goes - I didn't answere his calls, and I never will. He called during a very depressing time, and I was tempted, but I also knew that if I talked to him I would be right back head-first-into-the bottle and all else in my life wouldn't matter. I refuse to go down that road again. I've come too far to turn around.

I called in sick another week, and thou' I have been at home I haven't feel like writing anything, 'til now. I really wasn't feeling good when last weekend approached, and by monday I fell appart.

I had a fight with my fiance, well, actually I did all the fighting, verbally that is, and we both cried our eyes out. The next morning I left the house quite early and went to granny's, and told him to get out by the time I returned the same evening. I really didn't think he would go, I knew he didn't want to, but I was so angry and messed up I didn't care to stop him. He had just left when I came home. I cried for hours, and got drunk. We texted a bit the same evening, and the following day things got much better. He wanted to come home, but he was staying with his parents two hours away, and it was his sister's birthday that weekend, we thought he might as well just stay for a few days.

Being without him almost five days got me thinking about a lot of things, but mainly I was just medicating myself with beer. I wasn't sure how I felt when he came home on sunday, but now I'm glad he did.

I went back to work on monday as I felt ready for it. And it did me good. I was getting quite bored being at home all day, so going back really cheered me up.

I'm feeling quite better now. Not completely back to my old self, but ...

The other day, after a hard cry, I managed to talk with my fiance about all this. Then he started crying ... We had a good talk, and he layed next to me holding me for hours. Just knowing he's there for me and actually shows me he understands makes all the difference. I have no idea what I'd do without him. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My father who's usually the most insensitive man I've ever known has been very nice for some reason, wanting to help and suggest that I'd come stay with him for a few days. And he's calling me at all hours of the day asking how I'm doing. It makes a huge difference knowing that those who are closest to you show they care and understand, and wants to help. To me, just that itself is healing.

I'm going back to work on tuesday, and I feel ready for it.

I'm not going to Poland, and I'm not going back to work this week. I feel really depressed, and not feeling fit enough to go on this trip makes me feel even worse. I have absolutely no energy to do much of anything - and I have no idea why. I just want to sleep, to cry - but most of all - if I had an ounce of energy in me - I want to go away somewhere and find some peace of mind.

My life is good. I can't complain. But lately I have been thinking, been reminded - and then been pondering on various things in my past, present and the future. My fiance feels helpless because I don't talk to him about how I feel right now. I can't ... I'm afraid I'll burst into tears and have him thinking I completely lost the plot.

I had a disturbing & shocking phone call from my brother and sister in law yesterday. "We are going to adopt a child" !

You are joking right !? I said, hopefully (I can never tell with my brother, he's such a kidder). But no, he was being serious. Apparantly they have been trying to get pregnant for some time now (they met three years ago and married last summer), but with no luck. They are in their mid-thirties and feel time is running out. I can understand that part, but what I just can't grasp is why they won't get tested and find out what is wrong, and consider other obtions first !? But they decided not to, and instead started the whole process of adopting a child from Bulgaria (this could take a few years thou').

As you probably noticed already, I'm not too happy about this. Is it a dreadful thing to say ? Honestly, I'm not positive about adoption at all. If this was me, I'd rather not have a child if I can't squeeze it out myself. I think it's important to continue ones family name and legacy, and when a child with different roots becomes a part of this family and is suppose to carry our family name into the future - I just don't like the idea. This is my opinion, and I know the general opinion is that one can love the child just as much as ones own. I don't doubt that at all, but it just doesn't work for me. I have to be an aunt and put on a face in front of this strangers in our family. I rather not, to tell you the truth. I can't see how I can love that child and spoil him or her rotten as I would if it was their own flesh and blood. And I know, it really isn't my business ... I accept their decision, and I wished them all the best, but I don't have to like it.

This really got to me. It hit a nerve, and I'm a bit sad really. I was hoping my brother would keep the family name going, because I'm not sure if I will. I fear our family name will die out, because there's just me and him to carry it on now. And that's why this whole adoption issue bothers me.

Finally the weekend is here and I can sit down and do absolutely nothing !

I've been a bit ill this week, must have caught the flu from my fiance thou' he's been worse off than me. I did manage to work, only a few days I went home a little earlier, which was not a bad idea apparantly because I'm feeling much better now.

We were suppose to go to a concert last weekend, our favourite metal band. My fiance got ill and didn't feel like going all of the sudden, so we decided not to go. In all honesty I think there's more to it, only he didn't say anything, but I think I know what it is, and I will write about that issue some other day. He seemed to be doing quite well as soon as we decided not to go, as if he was relieved. However, he wasn't doing very well the next day. I didn't really mind not going. I'm not sure what it is, but lately I haven't had much will to do anything, not even participating at things I enjoy the most. I feel as thou' I have no strenght in me at the moment. A co-workers asked me a few weeks ago if I was feeling alright because I looked so pale and blah, and I wasn't my usually cheerful self. Well, nothing is wrong really. I'm doing quite well, so I have no idea what's gotten over me.

I'm suppose to go to Poland with my co-workers next week, but I don't feel like going after all. Now, Poland has never been on my to do list, I just don't find it interesting enough, but I wanted to go for one reason thou', Auschwitz. I'm a Holocaust revisionist (no, it's not the same as Holocaust denial,  being anti semite or nazi, so don't even go there ! It simply means I question certain aspects of some historical events, be it this or another historical event, after a lot of research during the past years), so that's why I wanted to go. But now I don't want to go after all. One reason, to be honest, is because I asked for a single room, but didn't get one. I have to share room with the person I dislike the most (well, most people dislike her actually, she's a real fruitloop), and the other is the issue of food allergies and me being lactose intolerant. And - there are a few other issues as well, but it doesn't matter bringing them up here. Not at the moment anyways.

Yesterday was my ex's birthday so I texted him wishing him a fine day and all that. Thou' I do loathe him for what he's done to me in the past (there's another blog entry ...) I thought at least I should be a bit nice. Well, actually I just wanted to tell him I got engaged months ago, and rub his nose in it. I know - I'm so mean.

I got a second (permanent) job at a historical museum, starting in december. It's only 3 hours a week, but I could do with the extra money as I only work part-time at the archaeological museum, -  I will be getting 60% soon thou' as my boss will be away for a year. So what is it that I do at this museum ? In case you were wondering ... I work in the lobby selling tickets, books and sourvenirs, and answere questions that people may have.

My fiance isn't working.He's looking, but the marked here is not much to brag about these days. He's attending a course on how to establish his own business (we are planning on starting an organic café, and move to another town. Not just yet, but within a couple of years), and he's an artist (painter) and works a bit with music.

I just had one week vacation from work (I work in a archaeological museum), and enjoying my last day (all I seem to do is worrying about tomorrow *sigh*) before going back. I'm not too thrilled about it. I wonder where my vacation went ... It seems like I haven't gotten anything worth mentioning done, and it's been one down-hill after the other.

I found my parrot dead in his cage a few days ago, while the other was screaming her heart out. Apparantly he fell down and broke his neck. And to make matters worse, I had - and it's still a bit ongoing - a conflict with my fiance (we have been together for over a year). Completely my fault. I get easily hysterical and verbally mean due to issues I experienced in past fucked-up relationships (another blog I plan on writing) and I admit to it, and sometimes I wonder what he's still doing here. He's a very understanding and loving person, and not to mention patient - and I couldn't ask for a better man. I definately have some issues I need to deal with, fast. 

Well, that's enough rambling for one day I suppose.

A few weeks ago there was a 20-year reunion with my old classmates. I considered going, but chickened out. I wanted to show up with an enormeous ego and tell them HERE I AM FUCKERS ! Look at me now - No longer the fat imbesil who's self esteem you ruined during 9 years ! You with your blown up ego's and ambitions - and look at you now ! All the girls putting their lives on hold as they squeezed out one child after the other, getting married, getting divorced, financial issues, mortage - and what happened to the life they dreamed of. What about their ambitions on becoming something spectacular ? Fact is most of them haven't done a days work since they left school. Don't get me wrong, all respect to the moms out there. It's a personal choice, one which I didn't want to make when I was fresh out of school at the age of 16. It just gets to me how they had their life plan layed out there and bragged about it, making me feel like a dumbass for having what they would call odd and unrealistic plans. And now - look at them now. It's sad really. Are they really happy or are they just fooling themselves and tagging along ?

Since we left school I have runned into a few of them, and one would think that after all these years, now being in their mid-thirties, they would know better than making laim remarks and faces. I suppose that's expecting too much. And why is it that it's always the girls who are the worse ? Some of the boys were mean too, but they gave it up after a while and started treating me alright. I didn't talk to any of my old classmates for nearly 20 years, but now I have limited contact with some of them, online. Even few of the bullies. It's sad to see how ignorant some of them are. It's almost as if time stood still for them, intellectually. It's impossible to have a reasonable conversation, about anything at all.

And what about myself ... Am I today where I wanted to be back then ? Not quite. I lost my will and courage during these years. I was bullied at school, on the street - and things weren't exactly much better at home either (that's a different blog entry coming up later). I was constantly indoctrinated with how useless and stupid I was. I would never be anything in life they all said. I wanted to work with music and theater. I wrote music, lyrics, poetry, novels and scripts, and they were really good. I was alone a lot, usually with my nose in a book about world litterature, geography, history and other subjects. I didn't run after boys, I didn't buy into a shallow lifestyle of trends. I had other things to occupy my mind with. When you are young and all you have to look forward to in life and dream of (because you do tend to daydream quite a lot when life in the real world is to hard to bear) is being ridiculed by everyone around you, eventually you get discouraged, and in the fear of not being able to accomplish anything you just don't try at all. And you show them they were right. You become what you believe you are worth of becoming.